Father, there has to be more.
I just wish I had more time. More time to get myself together--physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
I've lost myself.
I wish I could take a break from work--even if for just a couple of months. I wish we could afford for me not to work so I could get myself together. I wish I had time to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing with my law degree and license. You lead me and saw me through, but I hate my job. It's unfulfilling, stressful, and often times, toxic.
This can't be Your calling on my life.
I wish I had time to exercise. I wish I ate better and made better choices. I'm so tired, but my mind won't stop and let me rest. The work never ends. My relationships are suffering. I'm not showing up as the best version of me.
Father, there has to be more. I just wish I could find it.
In the months leading up to my cancer diagnosis, this was my continuous prayer. My cry for help. It was on repeat in my mind and likewise, in God's ear.
I never felt as though God heard me and my circumstances weren't changing. Had He forgotten me? Was I not praying correctly? Was it too late?
Fast forward a few months post-diagnosis, I was sitting in my bed when a light bulb went off. God heard me! He literally answered my prayers!
It was nothing like I thought it would look--should look. Heck, I had stage 4 melanoma and my life was flashing before my eyes. But.....
As I sat in that bed, the realization hit me like a flood and the tears began to fall.
I was no longer working. I lost 30 pounds of unhealthy weight. I no longer drank alcohol or soda. I was exercising, eating better, and surprisingly, sleeping better. I was surrendering my will to God. My relationships were stronger. I was blogging about my journey--my testimony. My legal matters were in order. I was getting myself together.
Glory to God!
At that moment, my eyes were opened to the greater meaning of this life and the importance of fulfilling my Kingdom purpose. Also at that moment, I thought, God freakin' hears me! And He's still in the business of answering prayers!
I often hear others say they feel as though God doesn't hear them. They never hear back from Him. Nothing is changing. The doubt starts creeping in and their trust is fading.
I don't know why silence seems so prevalent when listening for God. I believe that sometimes He trusts us to make our own decisions and follow our intuition. For example, when I was first diagnosed, my oncologist suggested I start treatment with a clinical trial. I knew nothing about cancer or clinical trials, so I turned to God. God, what do I do?
I felt uneasy about starting with a trial, but still wanted God's input. I prayed and prayed and prayed. Nothing. I became so desperate that I started asking for signs in favor of one way or the other. Still nothing but an uneasy feeling towards the trial. I declined the trial.
That uneasy feeling was my answer.
I don't know why hearing from God seems so complicated. Or why God does what He does, or doesn't do. I don't know why He never seems to be in a hurry, yet we are. But.....
But I do know God is good. I do know He hears us and cares. I trust His wisdom and know His timing is best. I know His perfect plan extends far beyond what we can fathom and when the time is right, He will reveal it to us.
I once read that if God gave us our Kingdom purpose assignment prematurely, it would literally crush us. We wouldn't be able to handle it. This, too, was a light bulb moment for me. Until God has prepared our hearts and minds--often via trials and tribulations--we cannot fulfill our purpose and receive our related blessing(s).
While my circumstances look nothing like I ever imagined, I trust that God is with me and using them for good according to His will for my life. What an honor and blessing to know I'm right on track.
May we all continue to cry out to God, never giving up on Him--like He hasn't given up on us.
Love & Sunblock