Updated: Jul 17, 2021
Praying for God's will has been one of the most challenging acts in this season of my life. The difficulty does not lie in God's inability to see me through this life as He has promised, but in my inability to see beyond this earthly world. My carnal desires may not always align with His will and that is where the struggle begins.
As I pray for healing, my deepest desire is to be granted more time here on earth with my family and my friends, while His will and plan for divine healing could be calling me home. At first glance, both outcomes seem very different--winning and losing. The reality is that God never fails. There is no loss, only gain. There is no death, only life.
Despite my fleshly desires, the truth is that this world is not home. In realizing this, I boldly pray for God's will--even if through many tears. Even if that looks different than I would like. Because I trust Him. I believe He is kind. I believe He is with me. And I believe He is working everything for His good--even when I cannot see it.
There are times, however, when God's will does align with our carnality. Sometimes in miraculous ways. As my updated scans approached, I couldn't help but start preparing for what I considered the worst outcome at the time--a report showing continued tumor growth and resulting in a change in my treatment plan. After all, it could have been part of God's mysterious plan.
God, though, has different plans--at least for now. Unremarkable, unremarkable, likely non-specific, unremarkable, resolved, substantially decreased, unremarkable, unremarkable, no definitive new nodules, resolved, appears less masslike, unremarkable, size decreased, completely resolved, unremarkable, unremarkable, etc. Despite the radiologist's excessive use of unremarkable, these results are nothing short of remarkable. All the glory be to God!
Deciding to post this was not easy. There are so many ongoing battles with cancer and other diseases, even in my local community, and it feels uncomfortable sharing good news. Not because I’m ungrateful or believe its not worth sharing, but because a heavy guilt overcomes me. Guilt for the ones suffering. Guilt for the ones who received news unaligned with their will. Guilt for the ones called home.
By sharing, I aim to glorify His name and give hope to those in the thick of a battle. Just as I have praised Him in the storm, I will praise Him in this victory.
While my battle isn't over just yet, I rejoice in this moment and count it all pure joy. Alignment or not, God is so so good. Truly.
Love & Sunblock