One thing I've noticed about life with cancer is it's ability to consume your time. I don't mean by obsessive, intrusive thoughts--although that's a thing too. I mean it's sneaky way of causing you to press pause on your life while you wait for cancer to be behind you. The thing is, though, that cancer sometime's stays with you whether you like it or not. Likewise, life goes on whether it's hard or not.
Recently, I've found myself in a funk. It all began with a 2+ week hospital stay, 1 week quarantined in a hotel, and 3 days of couch surfing for air conditioning following Hurricane Ian. While I'm blessed--even for all the aforementioned grumblings--being away from home for so long really does a number on you mentally and emotionally.
Although I'm back at home--thank God--I'm still having to lay low until all of my blood counts are back to normal. As a result, I've had extra time alone with my thoughts, which is probably not a good thing.
As I sat on my couch gazing out the window towards the sky this morning, I realized I feel like I'm stuck waiting for my life to return to "normal." The thing is, though, I don't even know what that is or what it ever will be again. Many of us don't even know what normal is anymore even without a life-threatening illness.
I'm reminded of a pre-cancer mindset I had at times, which was that one day I'll be happy when _________. I'm pretty sure we've all felt that way and maybe still do at times. Now, I find myself filling in the blank with--once I'm cancer free.
I'm also reminded of a brutally honest quote by Nightbirde (God rest her beautiful soul), which is that “you can't wait until life isn't hard anymore until you decide to be happy.”
Waiting on an outside influence to find happiness is such a debilitating, dangerous perspective. Left unchecked, your time will be up before you know it and your bucket list unfulfilled.
This is your reminder--and mine--to live life now. Don't wait until one day because that day may never come.
May we all pick ourselves up from the couch and start filling in the blanks with things that bring us joy.
Love & Sunblock